Q. When serving food, must the wife serve her husband before a guest? What if the guest is her mother? What about when the children are serving?

A. Rambam, (Ishus 15,19) writes: “The Sages ordered that a wife should honour her husband extremely – and he should be in her eyes like a king”. Even though this may be only a rabbinical obligation, it supersedes and pre-empts her biblical mitzva to honour her father and mother, since she is now by marriage, bound and obligated to her husband. (Y.D. 240, 17 – Piskei Teshuvah ibid. 20 – Ar’o D’rabonon, Kof,333 – Chabatzeles Hasharon, Ysro)

Most Poiskim’s opinion is that her exemption of the mitzva of Kivud Av V’eem, is only when that benefits or is required by her husband. If he is not present or doesn’t mind, she is required to honour them. (Rambam ibid. – Chinuch 33- Shach Y.D. ibid., see Tzapichis Bidbash 54)

However, the husband is ordained on the mitzva of honouring his mother in law. Many are of the opinion that this is a biblical mandate. (Igeres Hagro, Chayei Odom 67,17). Yet it is not the prerogative of a wife to compel her husband to comply with this mitzva, (as he may have valid reasons not to do so).

As far as the children are concerned, most Poiskim also opine that there is a mitzva of honouring a grandmother, (Darkei Moishe and Remoh ibid. ). Nevertheless, the mitzva of Kivud Av supersedes the honouring of a grandmother. The bottom line and most important rule for all to follow is that Sholom Bais should prevail.

Rabbi Abraham Bartfeld as revised by Horav Shlomo Miller Shlit”a